The infinite chrysalis: a reflection on personal growth and transformation

Looking back on a healthcare career spanning 20+ years which includes clinical, commercial, R&D, digital and informatics roles, I’ve had plenty of experience in managing the sensation of temporarily feeling out of my depth. Yet, as I embark on a new strategic leadership role, self-doubt once again manifests out of the ether; calmly drawing up a chair at the table with a host of other personal demons that like to avail themselves of my mental Toblerone.

And yet it feels slightly different this time, and I think that’s because there’s been a subtle shift in perspective. Now I’m not for one minute suggesting I’ve undergone a complete transformation. Often, it can be a struggle to wrestle back my half-chewed chocolate from the jaws of perfectionism, catholic guilt or ‘you could have, should have, ought to’ critical voices, but there is a significant part of me on this occasion that feels a newfound ‘chutzpah’; the audacity and confidence to reframe, rethink and re-evaluate what it is I feel I have to offer.

So, what’s changed?

Well, in a nutshell, age. Or, to give it a little more dignity, maturity. Now, the analogy of a fine wine may be a bit much and perhaps better replaced with that of a ripening cheese, yet though I hate to admit it, as I prepare for a major milestone next year, age brings with it some value. Whilst my tendons and ligaments need a little longer to warm up in the morning, my full head of hair has long ago eloped with my chest and catching a frisbee in mid-air is now more by accident than by design, I like to think that I have accrued a degree of wisdom as the years have passed.

Now in using these terms I assure you my feet are still firmly planted in reality; I’m not talking ‘Gandalf-esque’ development here. Yet, as I drift from the safety of the metaphorical shore of my previous role and transition to a more strategic layer, I note the sense of being able to swim a solid stroke rather than simply stay afloat.

Throughout my varied career I have largely carved out my own path, and there is something about the sense of personal agency and autonomy that encourages development of an inner strength and assurance. I’ve worked hard to get where I am today, and that resilience is most definitely a benefit as responsibility and accountability-related pressures grow. I lean on my past experiences, continually learn from colleagues, friends and new challenges, and regularly draw on a range of perspectives not only based on prior roles but also from being a father, husband and sometimes user of services myself. Blending these varied perspectives has developed a deeper sense of empathy, and in conjunction with a healthy dollop of curiosity, has helped build strong relationships and greater understanding of need.

I regularly remind myself that it’s okay not to have all the answers — though it does help to have a good grasp of the question. I accept that I can’t always add value, and sometimes having no comment is the best option. Though I may not always feel it, I tend to be more comfortable with saying I have absolutely no idea how to do something, trusting I will find someone who does. I recognise and champion the benefits of diversity, talent and development potential in others, and the greater opportunity to solve things collectively. Much more can be achieved through building competence and capability, strong partnerships and interweaving the diverse know-how of others.

I am aware my tendency is towards new opportunities and challenges, shying away from business-as-usual, which to be completely honest, can bore me. During the pandemic there was opportunity and challenge aplenty, leading on the strategic and tactical delivery of a multitude of enabling-tech solutions including our largest inpatient remote monitoring programme. On the home front, I’ve been through a period of rapid acclimatisation and adjustment to the unexpected — but nonetheless most beautiful — gift of another addition to our family. I have had the great fortune to build and develop a first-of-type Healthtech team that made most of this possible (not the baby bit, clearly, that would be weird). Fear of failure has often been tangible, but there is something quite satisfying in the creative energy, finding of synergy and cross-boundary alignment that is quite addictive.

With the passing of time has come a degree more awareness of my strengths and some acceptance of my limitations. Now that hasn’t in any way altered my belief in reflection, reflexivity and continual learning, but I simply don’t have the time or arrogance to strive for omnipotence, and I suspect I would only irritate everyone anyway. So, instead, I tend to lean more towards my known strengths. If you’ve not tried it, have a go at the ‘CliftonStrengths’. The philosophy is that you have a particular set of skills on a continuum that represent what you do best. The idea is to further maximise those at the top end but also to note potential blind spots. As an example, my top 10 are listed below, and suggest I enjoy close relationships with others, continual learning, and get a deep sense of satisfaction in achieving goals in partnership. I also love to inspire others with visions of the future and love to find synergy within ideas. The flip side is that it can take time for me to build trust, which is pretty accurate.

Something else that’s become more prominent over time is my wish to give something back; to encourage, guide, develop, coach and mentor; and to influence and drive the setting of standards in a sort of metaphorical ‘developmental scaffold’. I’m aware there’s a paternalistic nurturing element at play here too. Now as mentioned earlier, I’ve got young kids, so one would hope these characteristics were present to some extent anyway. Don’t worry, I’m fairly certain they have been, given they are both alive and well and continue to suck the remaining life out of me. Yet, the relevance here is that with the wish to contribute to individual and wider community development, comes a belief that I may have something of value to offer.

For example, with enabling and empowering tech solutions playing an ever-greater role in personalising health and wellbeing, I believe it’s incumbent on digital leaders to share good practice; demonstrate and role-model that we are operating at a certain level, measurable against definable principles and standards, and within a robust ethical code. With this in mind, I actively engage in a range of activities with the likes of BCS (British Computer Society) and Health Education England’s Digital Readiness Programme to encourage new recruits; provide interviews on a range of leadership challenge topics; advise on expert panel questions, and discuss individual and organisational benefits with those considering professional membership and accreditations such as RITTech (Registration for IT technicians), FEDiP (Federation for Informatics Professions) and CHCIO (Certified Healthcare Chief Information Officer).

Additionally, through strong relationships with the University of Surrey, I’ve held an honorary Fellowship for some years, supporting the 5G Centre, Centre for Vision, Speech and Signal Processing and the School of Health Sciences, engaging in bid development, product enhancement and more recently, giving a virtual lecture on aspects of ‘change and adoption’ to MSc students. The opportunity to discuss and share insights with in-post healthcare students was fantastic (despite the demolition of next-door’s kitchen and my son’s insistence on sharing his horror and outrage at the contents of his sister’s nappy — perils of home working!).

Recent interviews for NHS Digital on user-centred design and invitations to present at upcoming national digital events, such as the HETT show and the Digital Health Autumn Leadership Summit, on topics including benefits of building an innovative Healthtech team; digital literacy, inclusion and recruitment challenges; and perceived impact of the recently released NHSX transformation guidance, provide great opportunities to engage and share with a wider digital community. It’s a great feeling to have something of perceived interest to offer these digital, healthcare and academic audiences, and the continual co-learning and external validation go a long way to build confidence and embolden for new adventures.

So, as I draw this reflection to a close, it’s not that any one thing has significantly changed, but more an accumulation of factors. The thing is, I’ve never really had a defined career ambition, largely because I’ve never really known what I wanted to do, which makes it difficult to measure incremental progress. As time passes, I’m becoming more comfortable with that. I accept that the twists and turns of my personal journey will require continued transformation, and as such, self-doubt will likely be a rather intimate companion. The shift, therefore, is perhaps more one of balance, acceptance and smidgen more self-belief.